Thursday, January 20, 2011

How to Speak Con-Fluent English (Re-Jigged Re-Loaded)

How to Speak Con-Fluent English  [Your guide to becoming The Coolest Gal/Guy in your radius (I know you want to become The One)}

Powerful Principle—OWN IT or CON THEM LIKE YOU OWN IT!!! (I ll tell you how to)

People move over from Basic English Learnin….I am gonna reveal how to do more with less.


Sometimes ownin The Invisibility Cloak(a la Harry Potter) Helps unmaskin The Best kept secrets in the World.
My best pal from Jhumri talaiya – Pappu  (Sorry for borin-overused-cliché-name but his mom/dad think it fits the bill n we ,too, will go with their sentimental name) is the coolest guy I know of. Not only because he can somersault n eat a pizza the same time and Manage to keep a straight face at best of Rajnikanthisms( or Bushisms or sardarisms or Blondisms)….. but because apart from all these, he can Roll out Some Alien Lang outta his mouth-tongue-vocal cords-brain(white matter n gray matter)-assortment and claim it is English And coolest one at that.

I decided (firmly) to end the humiliation of conversin with him and half the time thinking it is some alien blabber.

I hit the streets (In my Invisibility Cloak) tiptoein behind him…. Observin n tapin him full day……Analysin all the raw data in my Super-Intelligent brain and usin some really very specialized softwares (like Google Search, Chat rooms)……. And came with Followin Tips

Cool tip 1  Pick up any slang(That means speak anything …..well, like ….Anythin) n Claim it’s a specialized slang from a city or a part of USA/UK.
Like, Tell them it’s South American Accent or A Welsh Accent or A Buffalo (or Cow) Accent.
Super Important note: This tip works only when u go around advertising everywhere u r  sportin a specialized Slang……. Otherwise People will think U r fakin a Accent—Again
( that’s Super-Noooot-Cool…U don’t wanna become/ Fake Salman or Aishwarya or Anushka or The person sittin alongside you)

Super Cool Tip 1 Abbreviate Surprises and Bad- dirty-Lang
LOL!!! ( I suggest instead of really laughin like Laughin-Buddha over a joke….juz make a straight face and say….LOL!!)

Need I tell this simple maneuver will soar ur stocks to The Coolest One!!!  Go Soarin………..

Cool Tip 2  Watch One English Moovy [Yes ONLY ONE n Those havin Some Actual Talkin (not just makin……(er0tic)noises,silly)]

Observe How these people forget to speak half the word. Choose a Single Moovy… Rewind, Relisten, Rewatch every scene ( But not those scenes needin No Language of Words….Focus People Focus).

Uber Cool Tip 1  Blabber words/Phrases in Vogue

Advocate ‘Organic Food’.

Leave lil ‘ Less Carbon Footprint’ – Tell them how u carry ur Gal in ur lap Everyday, Everytime, Everywhere – To save Petrol/Pollution/Earth……. Of course.

Worry and Discuss Over ‘Green House Effect’ n Depletin ‘Ozone Layer’ resutin in ‘Global Warmin’ n ‘ Sinkin Magnificient,Beautiful Beaches n Beauties’.
Always Enlighten Them About ’2012’

Tell them about ‘Complete World Consciousness’ n ‘New Thought Movement’.

Super duper Uber Cool Tip 1 n Only 1 Go Global

English is a Global Lang. U go Global Too. Pick up (or Make up some)  Expletives, Words, Phrases from random langs like French, Spanish, Yiddish, Tamil or Even ur local lang…….. Utter them as much possible….And if they are surprised at ur Alien tongue ……. Tell them, Behave n Act to make them like…. Oh! U don’t know this… U It’s latest word added to Our beloved English …. U Poor Mis-informed baby……

A Beginner's dictionary::
  Instead of       
                        Good Morn    say   Bon jour(French)
                        My Dear        say    Mon ami(French,again)
                        Bye                say    Sayonara(Cantonese)
                        Surely            say     Kandipa(Tamil)
                        Thanx            say     Gracias(????)
                         Ass               say      Derriere
                        N Swear like " terrymaakie"
Now Go Go Out…….. World is urs to conquer ( N some Poor Souls Too)

Monday, January 17, 2011

How He Got Enlightened

The Enchantin Mesmerisin Tale of a (Doggie) Fearin Chap

“ Bhow Bhow” said one.

“Bhow Bhow Bhow” confirmed another.

The next moment everyone was runnin- A motley gang of roadside doggies and He.
He had always faced this handicap of bein unable to intercept Doggie Lang.

Hands down Every Single Time he would handle all potential(or Real) doggie interactions by Primitive-Adrenaline Rush-Response of Runnin Head-Over-Heels.
Invariably he felt he is involved in some chase sequence of a Hindi movie( Apparently He had never seen an English or Timbaktu or Jhumri talaiya moovyy)……..Where he escaped everytime pantin but otherwise unscathed.
The practice made him sure that one day he would beat up Usain Bolt….. One Day.

But Today(A figure of speech…not necessarily Today Morn!) ….The Doggie Gang was larger,fiercier,more worked up than usual……..(Probably Exasperated by Him Swingin his Menacin Tongue everytime he got better than them). But Today they had decided(Apparently) to nail him Kandipa(Tamil for Surely) .

They Ran , He Ran….
He Ran,They followed

Same Again….
But today it seemed to him it was his final instalment of bein Chased….. Cuz He felt  Tired, Fatigued…unable to keep up his menacing pace…..(By nature, We wonder what happened)
He ran for his Life….Freedom…Rights….Love….Balls….Blah Blah…for few more Meeeetres.(ignore any snide remarks).

Finally he gave up…couldn’t run more.
He was gonna nailed up today!
( He was gonna nailed up today !!!He was gonna nailed up today!!!!! Na nanana Na Na….Yipppies!!!!)

He felt extreme fear and Helplessness.

In a matter of few secs(no pun intended) they closed up on him.
Seein him Half Standin they “bhowed” some. Some More then.

NO Response.

Because He had Finally Entered the state of Full Acceptance of Pressent.
He accepted that since it looked he couldn’t do anything(Probably)……. He won’t do anything . And  Let Everythin and Anythin happen to him. Suddenly a flash of light (No,Not Alien Laser Beam kiddo) hit him….And he got [Ah, no prizes for guessin (right)]......  Enlightened.
 The gang left him there standin in Zilch….How could they harm Him who had no fear of bein harmed?!?

Now He finally understood The Doggie Lang and Probably of all Livin Sentient Beings—Peace.
What everyone has Always wanted is....... Just Peace. Amen!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

In case Someone hasn't noticed

In case Someone hasn't noticed
There is a Google search pasted on top of blog..... Well in case Someone gets itchy in Middle and needs to verify  this blogger's Sanity/Insanity/Spellings/Facts n Lies/Truth/Plagiaristic tendencies/blah blah......

Issued in Public Interest by Guess Who?????!!!???? ( because we know you are sane enough!!)

IT'S Not About Bike
In Case by Any Chance if You  have read the 20th dec. post by same name(It's Not About the Bike)........I am putting up a link for you to download this book...FOR FREE.........if  you want to read up a good book and pick up a few expletives.....too.....

Saturday, January 15, 2011

You won't believe it!!!!!!!

You won’t Believe it!!!

What if I say Most of You is Water??  You may say I know any Livin Being is almost 9o% water……….. No big deal… No Surprise…..Borin!

Now I say….  Most of You are Bacteria!!!!..........Yes! these invisible creatures more than yourself inside you!!!................ Ah, How????

Apparently Biologists with Nothin-Borin-Else to do , thought of catchin up with fun by takin up Accountin …..and go counting no. of cells and bacteria ( I know still-more-Borin!)

What they found???? When we(Humans) are born we are 90% human cells and 10% bacterial cells…… ah, comfortin!!! Atleast we are more-we.

But what happens when a avg. human dies(70-80 yrs.)…………….. Well Bacteria till then have become nasty and reproduced like Humans-set-loose……. They swell up inside our body……….. so much that…. We are 10% us and 90% THEM!!!! Yes an avg. human oldy is 90% Bacteria!!! Whoooa!!! 

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Things I need in Life:

Things I need in Life:

  1. Finger Lickin Food.Quality Water for Drinkin( Bathin is lesser Priority!! )
    Lively Air.
    Plush Home.
    Pump Iron.
2.   Follow My Heart’s Desire          
      Honin Latent Talents.
      Keep Growin.

3.   To Give Love.
      Love Myself Completely As I  Am Now.
      Faith In Higher Power(Whatever that means)
      Confidence in Myself & My Faith.
      Crack Jokes even at Most Inappropriate n Tryin Times.
    4.   Follow 1,2, n 3
      5.   Feel at Home in this Life -Again .

      Tuesday, January 4, 2011


      Studyin in a medical college during First year students are required to study human body inside out by slicin through a helpless cadaver and see the organization inside. Kinda scary stuff at beginnin.
      It had been few months we had been tinklin with our allotted cadaver and its public and private parts. Now as to get familiar with it we had nicknamed it Caddy, our caddy buddy. As much as we were gettin comfortable around it, I guess, Caddy was getting more uncomfortable with us around it, gettin incised with sharp blades here and there. Well almost everywhere except skull where it had to  be open  up with….. Not less than……hammer and saw. Sometimes I thought it would wake up from its deathly slumber, the way zombies do and would bring justice to all of us for torturin it like we did. But sadly anything like C-grade horror movie scene did not happen and we had to make do with less thrillin adventures……. I mean lesser than Caddy saying Hasta la Vista baby but not less in any other way. Here’s one I came to know of…….
      A  group of totally crazy guyz. A Caddy. And a birthday.
      They giggled at the thought and decided to do it. Today Caddy’s Shvantzenstucker (No Anatomical Mumbo-jumbo…this is Yiddish for The Male Organ) was to be dissected from his remainin body and needless to say… studied.
      And this job was allotted to The Birthday Boy. While he was at it, they started to sing birthday hymns in hushed voices. Then clappin followed as Caddy-Pecker-Cake- cuttin-Ritual got over.
      Of course no one tasted this one cake.
      They laughed like some 6th graders had cracked a non veggie and whole class was saw them like they were chanting some top secret pagan mantras. And getting attention from galz side is healthy especially when things seem secretive.
      Professor did catch them dsturbin the peace of class but nothin more happened. Everyone got entertained in otherwise borin dissection class.  They did and others with little unexpected disturbance which broke Law of Anatomy Land- Peaceful boredom!!

      Saturday, January 1, 2011

      NEUUUUU YEAR!!!.................. Amazin!!!!!!.....Again!!

      Happy Birthday to You in advance!!

      Make Resolution not to make Resolutions that don’t Work!

      Laugh Out Loud!!!!!

      Invent some New Mobile Abbreviations that Only You Understand And Torture Others with them.

      Pleeez No More PJs and Rajnikanthisms.

      Admit in Mirror You are a Funny Face ….. N burst out Laughing!

      Learn New (Swear) Words in other Lang.

      Make an Original Joke.

      Get li’l less confused.

      Wink….. Not Weep!!!!!!

      Try To Bath Almost Every Week This Year.

      Do not Pose in Photos!!!

      Update on Facebook, Twitter, Orkut, LinkedIn …..Whatever, Wherever, Whenever.!!

      Don’t Worry Your Wisdom Teeth haven’t Grown Or You Can’t Roll your Tongue Or Your Ears don’t Move Like Mr. Bean Or Anything You Need Not Worry About.

      FYI…WTF is SOS. LOL!!!

      Dummy is where the Money Is.

      Use ……..!! ( Well You Know How Humans Numbers are Burgeoning).

      Why are You Shocked????

      You Matter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Save Earth…. Letz Use up All the Petrol as Fast as We can!!!

      Hug Me….. Hug You!!!

      Be Safe , Secure And Borin.

      What Are We Waitin For???????

      AND HAVE A VERY …………… NEUUUU YEAR!!! (Fill in the Blank Yourself)