Thursday, January 20, 2011

How to Speak Con-Fluent English (Re-Jigged Re-Loaded)

How to Speak Con-Fluent English  [Your guide to becoming The Coolest Gal/Guy in your radius (I know you want to become The One)}

Powerful Principle—OWN IT or CON THEM LIKE YOU OWN IT!!! (I ll tell you how to)

People move over from Basic English Learnin….I am gonna reveal how to do more with less.

Powerful principleDO/IMPRESS MORE WITH LEAST EFFORT/ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE OF ENGLISH.

Sometimes ownin The Invisibility Cloak(a la Harry Potter) Helps unmaskin The Best kept secrets in the World.
My best pal from Jhumri talaiya – Pappu  (Sorry for borin-overused-clich√©-name but his mom/dad think it fits the bill n we ,too, will go with their sentimental name) is the coolest guy I know of. Not only because he can somersault n eat a pizza the same time and Manage to keep a straight face at best of Rajnikanthisms( or Bushisms or sardarisms or Blondisms)….. but because apart from all these, he can Roll out Some Alien Lang outta his mouth-tongue-vocal cords-brain(white matter n gray matter)-assortment and claim it is English And coolest one at that.

I decided (firmly) to end the humiliation of conversin with him and half the time thinking it is some alien blabber.

I hit the streets (In my Invisibility Cloak) tiptoein behind him…. Observin n tapin him full day……Analysin all the raw data in my Super-Intelligent brain and usin some really very specialized softwares (like Google Search, Chat rooms)……. And came with Followin Tips

Cool tip 1  Pick up any slang(That means speak anything …..well, like ….Anythin) n Claim it’s a specialized slang from a city or a part of USA/UK.
Like, Tell them it’s South American Accent or A Welsh Accent or A Buffalo (or Cow) Accent.
Super Important note: This tip works only when u go around advertising everywhere u r  sportin a specialized Slang……. Otherwise People will think U r fakin a Accent—Again
( that’s Super-Noooot-Cool…U don’t wanna become/ Fake Salman or Aishwarya or Anushka or The person sittin alongside you)

Super Cool Tip 1 Abbreviate Surprises and Bad- dirty-Lang
                                       OMG!!!!
                                           WTF????!!!!????
LOL!!! ( I suggest instead of really laughin like Laughin-Buddha over a joke….juz make a straight face and say….LOL!!)
                                                                    SOS!!

Need I tell this simple maneuver will soar ur stocks to The Coolest One!!!  Go Soarin………..


Cool Tip 2  Watch One English Moovy [Yes ONLY ONE n Those havin Some Actual Talkin (not just makin……(er0tic)noises,silly)]

Observe How these people forget to speak half the word. Choose a Single Moovy… Rewind, Relisten, Rewatch every scene ( But not those scenes needin No Language of Words….Focus People Focus).

Uber Cool Tip 1  Blabber words/Phrases in Vogue

Advocate ‘Organic Food’.

Leave lil ‘ Less Carbon Footprint’ – Tell them how u carry ur Gal in ur lap Everyday, Everytime, Everywhere – To save Petrol/Pollution/Earth……. Of course.

Worry and Discuss Over ‘Green House Effect’ n Depletin ‘Ozone Layer’ resutin in ‘Global Warmin’ n ‘ Sinkin Magnificient,Beautiful Beaches n Beauties’.
  
Always Enlighten Them About ’2012’

Tell them about ‘Complete World Consciousness’ n ‘New Thought Movement’.

Super duper Uber Cool Tip 1 n Only 1 Go Global

English is a Global Lang. U go Global Too. Pick up (or Make up some)  Expletives, Words, Phrases from random langs like French, Spanish, Yiddish, Tamil or Even ur local lang…….. Utter them as much possible….And if they are surprised at ur Alien tongue ……. Tell them, Behave n Act to make them like…. Oh! U don’t know this… U It’s latest word added to Our beloved English …. U Poor Mis-informed baby……

A Beginner's dictionary::
  Instead of       
                        Good Morn    say   Bon jour(French)
                        My Dear        say    Mon ami(French,again)
                        Bye                say    Sayonara(Cantonese)
                        Surely            say     Kandipa(Tamil)
                        Thanx            say     Gracias(????)
                         Ass               say      Derriere
                        N Swear like " terrymaakie"
Now Go Go Out…….. World is urs to conquer ( N some Poor Souls Too)
                                               


10 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey hi dear....
again a master piece from you ...
its superb...
i am getting in love with ur article...
and attracted towards ur ingenious talents...
i wish we could have met. i am forwarding ur link to as may people as possible


sakure

Anonymous said...

hey man ....]
great job again....
it was real nice stuff...
in the starting i also faced problem in english since japanese in entirely different from it....
great job...
i would have hugged and kissed u if u would have been in front of me hope we can meet soon .......

Anonymous said...

Hi nikhil. This is salima from D.P.S R.K.P.hiba' sis. She gave one of your articles for my 12th english projects about laughter and the intended pun in the literature.
My home room teacher got too much impressed with the articles and it was discussed in our skool forum.thanks a lot. And sorry for not asking your permission.
I am quite impressed by your way of writing . Can you please give some tips on how to creative writing effectively. Since i am aspiring to persue humanities from stephans specially in english.please sir i will be really obliged.

Nikhil said...

Okkkayyy I am myself commentin on my post....But these Tips ACTUALLY Work.... Laf n Learn....:-))

(wiredweired.in@gmail.com)(nikhil)

Anonymous said...

Hi nikhil. This is angelina.i am doing my masters in creative writing from oxford university.you have got a nice sense of humour.and your articles are really nice.so if i am saying your work is good. means its really good.
Add more spice your stuff.extensive use of pun is the secret.give more time seperately for thinking on creative writing and devote more time on writing.and always listen to your heart not to people.since in the world of writing there a lot of struggle.but the person having persistant and will power to stand to his view point and has the courage to face the whole world wins.you can be a great writer one day.but remember one thing.never develop arrogance regarding your work and achievements.always be consistant with your hardwork in creative writing.and remember make a habit of writing daily whatever may happen but you should not leave writing.every day you must write one article.then only you will get better and better.god bless.

Nikhil said...

Hye Angelina...m quite gettin a hang of wat u sayin.... Actuaaly m quite srprised u found my blog in Oxford( I guess THE Oxford)......it's freakin me out....thanx for takin da trouble to feedbck,advice n time......... Hpoe u ll hang around...... Do mail me.....
(wiredweird.in@gmail.com)(nikhil)

Anonymous said...

Its THE Oxford only kido.
Now listen i want some serious improvement in you.i will help you to give more sophisticated touch your work.for that i will be giving you some assignments which you must do. And i will be keeping track of you.if you fail to do even one.then that will be my last visit and last tip on your blog mind my words. I am very strict in that regard.

Anonymous said...

So my first assignment is everyday you must publish one article of yours.everyday means everyday no excuse for that.
Every weekend i will review your work and will give my review and scores. Remember if you fail to do so U WIL LOOSE ME.and believe me my time is very precious.so if i am spending time on reading your stuff and scoring you means its really great thing.ok.so meet you on next saturday.REMEMBER EVERYDAY ONE ARTICLE.
ANGELINA.

Nikhil said...

Heyy Angelina!!!! U r rite....i live in a village here.... hw cn i know ur coll has such restrictions n u ppl r usin such sophisticated softwares..... i juz srtd blogging cz i lke writin n i nvr thot i wd get such nice responses from so many places.... m still comin to terms that i may remotely rite well n manage to put a faint curve on few faces(mayb lke u).... (nikhil)

Nikhil said...

Heyy Adam..... give up....m simply not wired that way...it's useless.....stop all this.